My grandmother is in the hospital

Dearest Reader,



L to R: Mailee, JT (cousins), Nanay, Yours Truly


     She went in the hospital on Friday evening and I flew in Saturday morning 6:00am Tucson time, 5:00am Cali time. But previous to that night, I was out watching a few bands at a local venue till about 11:30p, and had to wake up around 4:00am the next morning. Needless to say, I was exhausted yesterday and today and probably tomorrow. I got to the hospital to find my grandmother as so, hooked up to machines, a mask on her face and tubes going every which way. Her breathing was heavy and inconsistant. She was emitted into the hospital for shortness of breath and later found out that her kidneys were at 30-40%.

     There seemed to be no light at the end of this tunnel. She can't eat salt, and her breathing problems are triggered by stress and if there's one thing you must know about my grandmother is that she loves her salt and surrounds herself with stress. It's just who she is. The moment my mom, step dad, and I walked into her room, she just let us have her life story in stress and anguish and then immediatley fell asleep. I was upset that she was crying and talking about her past, but it helped her sleep. I watched her heart rate rise and fall. No fun for me.

     The only thing really okay about this trip was seeing all my family. My cousins are so grown, my aunts and uncle are still humorous and young at heart, my grandfather is still quiet and reserved, but present and in good health. I was so happy to see everyone and be around their happy spirits for the most part. We all shared laughs, caught everyone up on me joining the military, and spent many restless and crampy hours in uncomfortable hospital chairs. Nanay slepft for most of the first day, and was primarily awake for today and actually walked around alittle bit. The common thought was that her irregular breathing was caused by an anxiety attack.

     I spent all day and all night at the hospital and had my first nap today. I went back to Nanay's house and slept in her bed. I thougth it would be comforting...First thing I noticed when I walked into her house was that there were millions of pictures of my two other cousins around the house, a few of me, a few of the rest of the family. No big deal I guess. I went into her room and there were even MORE pictures of my cousins and then NONE of me...okay that kinda sucked but I was okay with it. And then I saw a picture frame that had three spaces and on the bottom of the frame it said Grandkids. And guess whose picture was left out....It's hard to go back and be happy to see someone after some emotional shit like that was just played out. I realize it may seem kind of petty, but you have to understand. It's my grandmother. My dying grandmother. And to know that she doesn't hold me to that high of a standard as my younger cousins, kills me. Especially that I'm the first, and I have to fight for her attention seeing as how I live in another state. We send her pictures, and to no avail...I feel left down and out. Maybe I'm just being selfish.

Yours truly,

     Alexa