Dearest Reader,
Nothing hurts worse than abandonment by a loved one. But when you feel that you’ve been the one to do the abandoning..nothing cuts quite as deep. I choose to not have my father in my life, but that’s after him disappointing me time and time again. It’s hard to want to do the write thing, especially when something inside me keeps reminding me that “love is the answer.” And to love my father, would be to respect him. But does that mean I should carry on a relationship with him? I’m still confused.
I was at Natalie’s house today, and I came out to my car and found a note on my windshield. It was from my father, seeing as how he lives two streets away from her and probably saw my car parked outside on his way home. It had two coffee cups drawn on the front and stated 2 TRIPS TO STARBUCKS ON ME.
Hey Lex,
How about we get some Starbucks sometime.
I love you.
And then he proceeded to leave his phone number so I could call him...All this absolutely breaks my heart. I feel the ever constant pull to contact him, but my pride and fear of getting let down looms in the near future. It’s an ever continuing cycle:
We talk, everything is okay for a while.
We get into an argument, he hurts me. (Usually envolving my step mom)
I stop talking to him.
And repeat.
He’s a toxin in my life, and I feel I’d just be better without him. At the same time, you only get one father in life. I guess I can count my silver lining in the fact that he still loves me and wants to be in my life. But I don’t know if I can continue the cycle forever. It really hurts too much...
Yours truly,
Alexa
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